DAN GAINOR: Don’t dare say, ‘This is Sparta,’ and six other foolish stories from April

Spring has sprung and April was a month marked by out-of-control judges and a leftist writer from the Nation calling the U.S. Constitution, "a piece of crap." On the upside, the wonderful people at Caterpillar celebrated their 100th anniversary. (Men love construction vehicles, so sue me.) 

We also saw a gaggle of famous women flying to near space in the Blue Origin spaceship. Don’t blame me that it became a fashion story. Actual New York Times headlines: "Their Space Suit, Their Way" and "Lauren Sánchez teamed up with Monse to redesign the Blue Origin flight suits with its all-female launch in mind." There was lots more and, thanks to singer Katy Perry, that flight makes an added appearance below.

"This is Sparta!"

You’d have to live off the grid to have never heard of the movie "300" or Gerard Butler’s famous scene where he kicks the Persian ambassador into a massive pit with a bombastic declaration, "This is Sparta!" (The pit didn’t have guardrails. Ancient Greece predates OSHA.) The somewhat historical hit meant that men were suddenly thinking of Rome and Greece. 

The 2006 film, "300," starring Gerard Butler, is a fictional retelling of the Battle of Thermopylae in ancient Greece, where 300 Spartans battled the Persian army. (Warner Bros. Pictures/YouTube Screenshot)

Apparently, that’s just too European. So, when a New York school was forced to ditch its Native American mascot, it chose the Spartans as a replacement, likely because students watched the film. The Islip Town NAACP president filed suit because that was all Greek to him. The complaint accused the school of picking a symbol of "White supremacy" and "male misogynists." Lawyers and Karens are why so many teams have stupid mascot names now. 

BEWARE THE BULLDOZERS OF MARCH DIGGING UP THE MONTH’S 6 CRAZIEST STORIES

Character assassination

Ex-Washington Post reporter Taylor Lorenz was interviewed by CNN "MisinfoNation" host Donie O’Sullivan and it’s hard to tell who did worse. Lorenz rationalized people who support Luigi Mangione, who is accused of murdering UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson. She went viral for this epic quote: "Here’s this man who’s a revolutionary, who’s famous, who’s handsome, who’s young, who’s smart, he’s a person who seems like he’s this morally good man, which is hard to find." I almost expected her to start performing an updated version of the meme "song," "I’m looking for a man in finance…"

And O’Sullivan didn’t bat an eye, instead joking that, "Yeah, I just realized women will literally date an assassin before they swipe right on me. That’s where we’re at." The press that treats every comment on the right like it’s the end times discussing an accused assassin like he’s a folk hero. Disgusting? Yes. Surprising? No. 

Space cadets

Jeff Bezos, the second-richest man on earth, likes his women spacey – literally. The billionaire owner of the Washington Post and Blue Origin sent his fiancée Lauren Sanchez and five other famous women into near space in a cool stunt that Katy Perry did her best to ruin. The singer had vowed to "put the ‘a--’ in astronaut" and she certainly managed that much. When she landed, she declared, "I feel super connected to love," after kneeling and kissing the ground because she flew in a rocket for 11 minutes.

KATY PERRY RIDICULED FOR SPACE COSTUME ON LIFETIMES TOUR FOLLOWING BLUE ORIGIN FLIGHT DEBACLE

Her air-headedness generated bipartisan critique. The Atlantic headlined its slam, "The Perfect Pop Star for a Dumb Stunt." The Guardian’s Moira Donegan called it, "the utter defeat of American feminism." Perry even got fast-food mockery. Ad Week wrote up how, "Pop Crave announced that ‘Katy Perry has returned from space,’ Wendy’s replied: "Can we send her back." Who knew Wendy’s was that spicey? 

Not the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

Fans of the 1984 hit "Ghostbusters," remember when Ray had to choose his "form of the Destructor," he summoned the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. That’s because Ray said he was, "something I loved from my childhood." Forty-one years later, kids still love marshmallows and, in that spirit, the fabulous folks in Royal Oak, Michigan, hold a marshmallow drop every year. For the kids. (I guarantee the parents enjoy this just as much.) Helicopters drop mountains of marshmallows, and the kids pick them up to trade them in for prize bags. The choppers rained down 15,000 marshmallows in all. Now, someone needs a giant cup of hot chocolate to go with it.

Dan Aykroyd played Ray, who summoned the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in "Ghostbusters." (Robin Platzer/Getty Images)

Getting Kneecapped

Organizers of the annual concert fest Coachella were allegedly "blindsided" when a band named after a violent act by the IRA (The Irish one, not your retirement.) took the side of Palestinian terrorists. The obscure Irish band Kneecap declared "F--- Israel, Free Palestine" in big bold letters during their set. According to the BBC, "Their name is derived from so-called kneecapping - where young people are shot in the legs by paramilitaries in republican and loyalist communities in Northern Ireland."

CLICK HERE FOR MORE FOX NEWS OPINION

The Coachella incident caused people to do a little digging on the band. According to GBN from the U.K., "Footage emerged earlier this week from a 2024 gig showing one band member apparently shouting ‘up Hamas, up Hezbollah’ while draped in the terror organisation's flag." I am shocked that gambling is going on in this casino.

Making a monkey out of the law

This month’s liberal outrage is the PETA people suing for the First Amendment rights of monkeys. (I could write this whole column about PETA but that’s not good for my health.) PETA’s legal lunacy stems from their concern "about macaques and their communications, including specific insight into Beamish, Sam Smith, Nick Nack, and Guinness." 

According to PETA, "No lawsuit has ever tried to enforce the constitutional right to receive communications from animals who are undoubtedly willing speakers." Maybe someone could just show them a couple Dr. Doolittle movies and they’d go away. If not, maybe we can hire Nick Nack to run to Peta. It would probably be more rational.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FOX NEWS APP

Liberals love clean energy

Amid the left’s anti-Tesla madness, the Washington Post ran this story: "Clean energy exec, ex-federal worker charged with defacing Tesla vehicles." That’s right, Justin and Emily Fisher were charged with "defacing private property, police said in a statement," according to the Post. But here’s the best part, "Emily Fisher is listed in a biography posted on the website of the nonprofit Smart Electric Power Alliance as its chief strategy officer."

Yep, a top exec for a smart power organization was accused of vandalizing Teslas, which are electric vehicles. If true, that’s hardly smart. The alliance represents some of the biggest names in energy. Her name isn’t on their website now, but she still lists the job on LinkedIn. Just remember that the next time climate weenies claim to care about Gaia or Mother Nature.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE FROM DAN GAINOR